Employment Opportunity

by Scott Huggins

Hey, here’s an awesome job opportunity I recently heard about, and I’d be happy to put you in contact with the relevant people if you’re interested, so here’s the information.

Position Requirements:

Education: none
Experience: none
Applicant must be a U.S. citizen and be at least 25 years of age.

However, it is EXPECTED that the successful applicant will also:

Demonstrate excellent public-relations skills
Display an unswerving dedication to customer service
Possess expert knowledge of sales techniques
Be willing to travel on short notice in response to customer-service and sales opportunities
Show the ability to satisfy wildly differing needs of diverse groups of clients simultaneously
Display an uncompromising pursuit of client satisfaction
Negotiate expertly as part of a decision-making process with several hundred co-workers

It is expected that the applicant will never contradict him or herself, say anything that would reflect poorly on him or herself, the client base, the company, or any group within said client base or company.

Application Process:

The application process varies greatly depending on the location the applicant wishes to work in; however, the company’s clients are generally looking for an individual willing to invest, on average, 1.6 million dollars in the company up front. This investment is expected to take place before the first round of the interview process, however, applicants are cautioned: NO AMOUNT OF INVESTMENT WILL GUARANTEE YOU A POSITION. The amount you invest is entirely voluntary, but UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES will the money be refunded.¬† While it is not unheard of for our clients to contribute to this investment for applicants they find attractive, it is expected that applicants will find their own means of securing this, or any other, financing. Applicants must convince the interviewers and clients to whom they report that they are the best candidate for the job in two consecutive rounds of interviews. Applicants should be aware that average expectations may vary massively between the two rounds of interviews, and that the final interviewers will have full access to the notes taken during the initial interview.
Once the final interview is passed, the new hire will be awarded the position under a two-year contract. The position must be reapplied for every two years.

Compensation:

Compensation is attractive, offering a salary of $174,000 per year, plus health, life, and retirement benefits.

Working conditions:

Employees will be required to commute regularly between national and regional headquarters, and be available for client interviews at any appropriate time. During times of high demand, employees should expect to be available at any hour of the day or night. It is recommended that employees maintain both a public and private telephone number, as the clientele is extremely demanding and apt to call at any time. Employees must expect to be under surveillance by any and all means at any time during the interview and (if applicable) contract period. Employees will be subject to an unofficial but extensive background check. Any unsatisfactory criminal or social history may be grounds for termination of the interview process or non-renewal of contract.

Code of Conduct (Employees)

Employees should be absolutely above reproach in financial, social, and legal matters. Employees are expected to treat the clientele and their supervisors with courtesy at all times, regardless of any provocation to the contrary.

Code of Conduct (Supervisors)

None. Supervisors are immune to termination except for the commission of felonious crime, and are guaranteed the right to express any opinion of any employee at any time and in any manner, without fear of recourse.

Responsibilities:

Set policies for a large nonprofit organization with multinational interests in cooperation with several hundred of your co-workers for the good of an approximately 300,000,000-member client base.
Regularly communicate the status of the organization to clientele and supervisors, with scrupulous regard for the truth.
Serve on various committees, to which you will be appointed by your co-workers, on basis of seniority.
Investigate claims brought by clients and co-workers regarding the status of the organizations.
Take part in regional and company-wide ceremonies on most holidays.

Organization:

You will directly report to many supervisors, all of whom have a say in whether your contract will be renewed for the next two-year period. Depending on the position for which you apply, you may report to as few as 190,000 to as many as 13,000,000 supervisors, most of whom have no working knowledge of what your job entails, and almost all of whom believe they would do it better. You will be given, on average, a $1.4 million budget to work with, and may hire a staff of no more than 18 people to assist you.

The review process is stringent, and as mentioned above, the position must be re-applied for every two years. The applicant must expect conflicting reviews from supervisors. Expect strong competition for this highly sought after position.

 

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